I know this blog is probably premature, but there are things I have to say before it goes back into the general apathy that has been the majority of my life.
I want to speak about a man who has been a bedrock of my values throughout my childhood and my adult life. I know most people will say that this particular person will have been the same for them, but I need to say how this person has affected me, and how what has happened angers and saddens me. To do this I may have to delve into my past a bit, so bear with me.
My father, is quite possibly one of the most selfless man I have ever met, and that is hard to say with how selfish he has been over the last several years. For twenty years, he has had one sole purpose for living, me and my brother Chance. After my mother was taken from us, and then later passing away, my father had one sole purpose. To take care of his sons. I spent a year in therapy dealing with the issue of my mother leaving, and in time I realized that what my father did was not smart... but I still respected him for it.
Most of my adult life I took his singular approach to relationships, basing off what he felt for my mother as his reason for romance. I have met several remarkable women in my life, and they have all fallen prey to that singular obsession that I battled for years... and that progression feeds directly into what I am so sad and angry about right now. A singular obsession with one person ended in my heart and those I loved being absolutely broken. My father is guilty of the same sins... he believed and wanted to fight for so long for someone else, he totally forgot what it meant to fight for himself.
I am on the cusp of a new beginning of my life. I have a son, and I will soon have a daughter. The main difference being I am now in a time of my life where I can actually be a father. My mismanagement of Tristan is my greatest sin... and I am forever thankful that his mother is the greatest of people, and found the family to ensure my son will be taken care of...
My daughter is going to be born during the man I respect most's greatest battle. My father is the strongest and toughest man I have ever known... but I don't know if he can fight this... this battle has nothing to do with what makes he and I strong... others.
People have always said my bother Chance took more after dad than I... saying I was more like Mom. In most respects, looks and personality this is absolutely right... but one thing I am far more like dad is how I live my life. Without saying this with hubris, or a false sense of pride, I know where he is... I know how he feels. The very thing that he turned into his reason for life has turned against him. Chance and I have grown up... we don't "need" him anymore. We have, for the most part learned to support ourselves without his help.
But he is wrong.
I have been a bad son by not contacting him when I should. Part of my failing as a person. I have always been isolated... always been the person who kept themselves at arms length from others. Doing their best to be the rock for those we care about, supporting them... just like him.
My father needed me... but he did not need me as a son. He needed me to need him.
I am so angry at him right now.
Angry and sad.
Fathers are the symbol of invincibility that all children have. No matter if its their blood realitive or a step dad... their father. You always see them as a symbol of in all sense of the words a god. Undefeatbable, unfallible... even if you see their faults.
I think the worst thing is that I am so far away now. I travelled accross the world to chase after a career and where does it put me. Eight thousand miles away from my father, and three thousand miles away from a woman I love and our daughter.
As I used to say to a woman I loved once... "I never do things easy."
I am not a religious man... but I still pray. I might not pray to "god", but I believe that belief is enough to turn the tide. I know my father is am an of indomitable will and stubborness. I still believe he will be around to say something mean at my eulogy. He might just need a few people to believe with him.
Please, keep him in your thoughts.
I want to speak about a man who has been a bedrock of my values throughout my childhood and my adult life. I know most people will say that this particular person will have been the same for them, but I need to say how this person has affected me, and how what has happened angers and saddens me. To do this I may have to delve into my past a bit, so bear with me.
My father, is quite possibly one of the most selfless man I have ever met, and that is hard to say with how selfish he has been over the last several years. For twenty years, he has had one sole purpose for living, me and my brother Chance. After my mother was taken from us, and then later passing away, my father had one sole purpose. To take care of his sons. I spent a year in therapy dealing with the issue of my mother leaving, and in time I realized that what my father did was not smart... but I still respected him for it.
Most of my adult life I took his singular approach to relationships, basing off what he felt for my mother as his reason for romance. I have met several remarkable women in my life, and they have all fallen prey to that singular obsession that I battled for years... and that progression feeds directly into what I am so sad and angry about right now. A singular obsession with one person ended in my heart and those I loved being absolutely broken. My father is guilty of the same sins... he believed and wanted to fight for so long for someone else, he totally forgot what it meant to fight for himself.
I am on the cusp of a new beginning of my life. I have a son, and I will soon have a daughter. The main difference being I am now in a time of my life where I can actually be a father. My mismanagement of Tristan is my greatest sin... and I am forever thankful that his mother is the greatest of people, and found the family to ensure my son will be taken care of...
My daughter is going to be born during the man I respect most's greatest battle. My father is the strongest and toughest man I have ever known... but I don't know if he can fight this... this battle has nothing to do with what makes he and I strong... others.
People have always said my bother Chance took more after dad than I... saying I was more like Mom. In most respects, looks and personality this is absolutely right... but one thing I am far more like dad is how I live my life. Without saying this with hubris, or a false sense of pride, I know where he is... I know how he feels. The very thing that he turned into his reason for life has turned against him. Chance and I have grown up... we don't "need" him anymore. We have, for the most part learned to support ourselves without his help.
But he is wrong.
I have been a bad son by not contacting him when I should. Part of my failing as a person. I have always been isolated... always been the person who kept themselves at arms length from others. Doing their best to be the rock for those we care about, supporting them... just like him.
My father needed me... but he did not need me as a son. He needed me to need him.
I am so angry at him right now.
Angry and sad.
Fathers are the symbol of invincibility that all children have. No matter if its their blood realitive or a step dad... their father. You always see them as a symbol of in all sense of the words a god. Undefeatbable, unfallible... even if you see their faults.
I think the worst thing is that I am so far away now. I travelled accross the world to chase after a career and where does it put me. Eight thousand miles away from my father, and three thousand miles away from a woman I love and our daughter.
As I used to say to a woman I loved once... "I never do things easy."
I am not a religious man... but I still pray. I might not pray to "god", but I believe that belief is enough to turn the tide. I know my father is am an of indomitable will and stubborness. I still believe he will be around to say something mean at my eulogy. He might just need a few people to believe with him.
Please, keep him in your thoughts.
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